It's been about 3 years after I graduated high school. High school wasn't really a great thing for me at all, especially after graduating, but this blog post is about the friend component of graduating. I'll talk about my story and then my thoughts about the component in general.
When I graduated, it wasn't easy. I was told from someone who was from Michigan Works, a company that tries to find people jobs, that noone was willing to hire me cause of my heart surgery. I took it as I wouldn't be able to get a job, like how my mother can't cause of her seizures. I was depressed, and trying for Social Security Disability Income since I thought I wouldn't be able to get a job, where just that thought severely pissed me off. Some friends still came over, but slowly stopped.
One friend slowly stopped cause I didn't have money. Another stayed for like a week though he didn't seem all interested in me (don't really blame him, he has his own life), and then went to Florida soon after he left. Idk if he still thinks of us as friends, but I feel like we grown apart. And then there was the mysterious one of them all, my current irl friend that stayed throughout.
At first we didn't really know each other that well. He was a year below me, and apparently knew me from middle school. He probably didn't hang around me much then and only through association, and then we didn't go to the same school for a year, so that's probably why I didn't know him even though he knew who I was. So we weren't real pal-ly at first, maybe. I can't really say what his intentions were or how he felt about me then.
Anyway, back to the after-graduation time, he'd come around and hang out. Sometimes he was nice company, but other times not really. Sometimes not at all, mostly cause of my depression and frustration, and lack of people skills.
As times pass, we had been there in a few of each other's tough times. After that I didn't really get so frustrated at him anymore, cause I had my own problems (most of which I still didn't even want to share) but he was having problems with people betraying him and making external problems for him, when mine were just hearing people say tons of different things and I didn't know what to do and I was just scared of my life being fucked over. For him, I was there when someone tried breaking
in cause they heard that he stole their little brother's bag of clothes when really it was a friend of his girlfriend (at that time) who did it and tried framing him.
Then some time ago, like 6 months or more, I asked myself why he sticks ago me. He doesn't seem to like what I like, the only things that seem to be common interests is some anime we'd watch together, and playing yugioh tcg, tho I'm not that much into yugioh, it's fun to play sometimes. I don't have money, and now that I don't have internet, so why does he keep coming around? I don't hate him, and he's not really annoying. He was at first but as time passes, he got less annoying. Probably cause I know a bit more how he works and his feelings toward things. Now though, I'm the one that mostly annoys him at times. But during this time, I couldn't understand why he keeps wanting to hang out with me.
Last month I kinda got my answer. I never asked him, but he told me that I was one of 2 people he can actually trust. From that I can now understand why he hangs around me, though I kinda wanted more cause that answers my question, but that doesn't really tell me how he feels about me or what he thinks about me. (I kinda got that answer a couple weeks ago where he said I was like a brother to him, and he also commented that I probably don't know what that's like cause I'm an only child. He's right, but yeah, we're definitely on good terms now.) Still though, just because he trusts me doesn't mean that I'm reliable, cause in my eyes I'm really not.
So my thoughts on the friends after school thing. It's really just something that happens I think. You just don't know who's gonna stay or leave, for whatever reasons, and sometimes you won't even know the reasons. But there's another side to it too. Some may leave, but there are also those that seemingly WON'T leave your life, and you might not know the reasons right away. I didn't learn the reason till about 3 years after graduating! It's kinda crazy, but idk, I think it might be for the best. I'm not thinking about all the reasonings behind how or why people will stay in your life, I'm only thinking of what it's been like for me, but from that I think it's for the best cause the ones who are left are people who have real reason to be in your life.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Potential Money Options
Last Thursday, I went to a LIFELeadership house plan meeting. It wasn't all that great, it was small, only one new person came, and they had to leave in the middle of it. But I took an opportunity and I told the hosts, after everyone else left, about my situation and asked that if they need anything small done that they could call me and I'll do it for small money.
Also, they kinda gave me suggestions of such things I could do, I assume it's cause I said I had no experience in such things like babysitting and yard work, but they brought up house-sitting, which I'm pretty certain I can do, so that's kinda got my confidence up a little.
But yeah, moving forward and adding opportunities!
Also, they kinda gave me suggestions of such things I could do, I assume it's cause I said I had no experience in such things like babysitting and yard work, but they brought up house-sitting, which I'm pretty certain I can do, so that's kinda got my confidence up a little.
But yeah, moving forward and adding opportunities!
Self Growth and Blog Decissions
I've done some soul searching and dug deep, and I think I might have realized something, or in the very least something about me has become clearer to me.
At first I thought I didn't like it when people are sexualized, which yes that's kinda true, but I've kind of been shown what I was doing that was wrong. To tell the truth, I don't really know what my thought process was, logically. All I can say is that I didn't see the simple truth behind sexual things. Sex and sexual stuff is a part of nature, but I had blinders on that made me view sex and sexual things by how society views and treats them-by that I mean, the ones doing it, making sexual things "have no soul" behind them. Where people's souls weren't a factor in it, which I kinda hated.
However, 2 things I realized: 1 obvious and makes me feel stupid (but hey, I evolved), and the other is just truth about myself. The first thing is that sexual things will ALWAYS be sexual. Even though I still think that being nude on it's own is just natural (according to nature, not human society) unless it's being done in a sexual way, sexual things will always be sexual, and that's not necessarily bad. Not everyone likes it, but it's not bad. I had to look up the meaning of "sexualization" just to be certain of it's definition, and I was right, it's not what I was treating it before. Sexualization-making something have a sexual quirk or nature-isn't a bad thing in general, but I can see why people can dislike it.
The second thing I realized is that the thing I greatly dislike, that I was treating sexualization as, is dehumanization. In other words, I dislike people being reduced to mere sexual tools or entertainment, like they aren't people with souls, hopes, likes, dislikes, feelings. So now sexualization is ok with me as long as dehumanization isn't involved, tho even then it can still irritate me and put me off. People can be sexualized if they want to be. People can be sexual if they want to be. (though I think they should be mindful and considerate of any people around them) But I believe they should never be dehumanized during such things, or anytime at all.
So yeah. That's how I stand right now, and I think it might be a step in the right direction for me.
Also, I realized that most of my blogs have been about sexual things or topics, so I'd like it to change. I guess the reasoning behind why that is, is because of me contemplating about sexual things lately, as well as being lost in sexual feelings from negative feelings. That might change though since I realized I have to start using my power to try and get what I want and-well, I'm derailing. Point is that I don't want this blog to be filled with sexual topics, so for now on, I'm gonna try and have at least 1 non-sexual topic one in between each sexual topic ones, so expect a non-sexual topic next!
At first I thought I didn't like it when people are sexualized, which yes that's kinda true, but I've kind of been shown what I was doing that was wrong. To tell the truth, I don't really know what my thought process was, logically. All I can say is that I didn't see the simple truth behind sexual things. Sex and sexual stuff is a part of nature, but I had blinders on that made me view sex and sexual things by how society views and treats them-by that I mean, the ones doing it, making sexual things "have no soul" behind them. Where people's souls weren't a factor in it, which I kinda hated.
However, 2 things I realized: 1 obvious and makes me feel stupid (but hey, I evolved), and the other is just truth about myself. The first thing is that sexual things will ALWAYS be sexual. Even though I still think that being nude on it's own is just natural (according to nature, not human society) unless it's being done in a sexual way, sexual things will always be sexual, and that's not necessarily bad. Not everyone likes it, but it's not bad. I had to look up the meaning of "sexualization" just to be certain of it's definition, and I was right, it's not what I was treating it before. Sexualization-making something have a sexual quirk or nature-isn't a bad thing in general, but I can see why people can dislike it.
The second thing I realized is that the thing I greatly dislike, that I was treating sexualization as, is dehumanization. In other words, I dislike people being reduced to mere sexual tools or entertainment, like they aren't people with souls, hopes, likes, dislikes, feelings. So now sexualization is ok with me as long as dehumanization isn't involved, tho even then it can still irritate me and put me off. People can be sexualized if they want to be. People can be sexual if they want to be. (though I think they should be mindful and considerate of any people around them) But I believe they should never be dehumanized during such things, or anytime at all.
So yeah. That's how I stand right now, and I think it might be a step in the right direction for me.
Also, I realized that most of my blogs have been about sexual things or topics, so I'd like it to change. I guess the reasoning behind why that is, is because of me contemplating about sexual things lately, as well as being lost in sexual feelings from negative feelings. That might change though since I realized I have to start using my power to try and get what I want and-well, I'm derailing. Point is that I don't want this blog to be filled with sexual topics, so for now on, I'm gonna try and have at least 1 non-sexual topic one in between each sexual topic ones, so expect a non-sexual topic next!
Monday, April 13, 2015
List of Habits to Gain or Improve on
If the title of this post hasn't sunk in yet, this will be a list of habits that I should learn, habits I should lose, and habits I need to improve on in some way. I felt like doing this post to have something written that I could kinda come back to and see if I'm getting better, cause there are things I need to get better at if I want my life to go where I want it to go. I reheard and listened to a chunk from a LIFELeadership CD, and the person was saying that you don't pick your destiny, you pick your habits, and your habits pick your destiny. So I'm gonna list at least 10 habits that I can work on that I believe would make my life better, a little at a time, but still better.
1: When I feel like doing anything sexual, ask myself if I'm actual horny, or if I'm just gonna use it to cope with my problems or feelings. If it's coping, then don't do it and try to something else to do that can cheer me up. Otherwise, then try to make the session have soul, so it's not completely sexual. (Basically make it excite a feeling other than horniness by making it cute, funny, ect)
2: Walk everyday (that I can). At least around 1 block, once a day. I don't know if that'd help my back or not, but I need to get up and start moving around once in a while. The great weather will be coming soon, so I'd like to be ready for it! We're in town, so I should walk or ride my bike more now!
3: Do a little of Life Wars everyday. Progress is needed and I'd love for progress to be one of my habits, tho being used to little jumps can sometimes lead to getting things done without realizing the significance at first, or without realizing that the things got done. Like with what happened with the Succubus Kingdom bakstory!
4: Try to talk to people more. Maybe even strangers (on the internet) to try and get more experience when it comes to talking to people in general.
5: Talk/promote Life Wars. If I talk more about my game, then it's more likely that people will gain interest, and hopefully talk to me/have discussions about it so I know for certain people are interested. ;w; I'm doing this cause I want to put Life Wars, and what it means to me, out into the world, however it'd just be more fun if like people talk about it and I can have 2-way discussion about my game with people. ;w;
6: Be on look out for bottles. While I'm outside, I could look around for some cause I could use more money. I just need to develop the habit and it'll cash in eventually.
7: Take showers more. It'll most likely make me feel better.
8: Brush teeth before bed. I usually don't brush them cause I don't want the toothpaste taste to make whatever I'm eating taste horrible, or ruin the buzz of taste of the thing I just ate, so I think doing it before bed might solve this problem.
9: Do something for my happiness. There are times I get caught in what I should be doing and what I'd like to work on/do. These things can be very draining, physically, mentally, or both, and there are times where I need to step back, and even though most of these things are for me, some times they don't make me happy, or they usually make me happy but the timing is off. I gotta do something for my happiness once in a while, even if it's just to do nothing for a while and try to enjoy some peace.
And I can't think of anymore. I was close though. Was I'll have this list so I can have something to go on. Thanks for reading!
1: When I feel like doing anything sexual, ask myself if I'm actual horny, or if I'm just gonna use it to cope with my problems or feelings. If it's coping, then don't do it and try to something else to do that can cheer me up. Otherwise, then try to make the session have soul, so it's not completely sexual. (Basically make it excite a feeling other than horniness by making it cute, funny, ect)
2: Walk everyday (that I can). At least around 1 block, once a day. I don't know if that'd help my back or not, but I need to get up and start moving around once in a while. The great weather will be coming soon, so I'd like to be ready for it! We're in town, so I should walk or ride my bike more now!
3: Do a little of Life Wars everyday. Progress is needed and I'd love for progress to be one of my habits, tho being used to little jumps can sometimes lead to getting things done without realizing the significance at first, or without realizing that the things got done. Like with what happened with the Succubus Kingdom bakstory!
4: Try to talk to people more. Maybe even strangers (on the internet) to try and get more experience when it comes to talking to people in general.
5: Talk/promote Life Wars. If I talk more about my game, then it's more likely that people will gain interest, and hopefully talk to me/have discussions about it so I know for certain people are interested. ;w; I'm doing this cause I want to put Life Wars, and what it means to me, out into the world, however it'd just be more fun if like people talk about it and I can have 2-way discussion about my game with people. ;w;
6: Be on look out for bottles. While I'm outside, I could look around for some cause I could use more money. I just need to develop the habit and it'll cash in eventually.
7: Take showers more. It'll most likely make me feel better.
8: Brush teeth before bed. I usually don't brush them cause I don't want the toothpaste taste to make whatever I'm eating taste horrible, or ruin the buzz of taste of the thing I just ate, so I think doing it before bed might solve this problem.
9: Do something for my happiness. There are times I get caught in what I should be doing and what I'd like to work on/do. These things can be very draining, physically, mentally, or both, and there are times where I need to step back, and even though most of these things are for me, some times they don't make me happy, or they usually make me happy but the timing is off. I gotta do something for my happiness once in a while, even if it's just to do nothing for a while and try to enjoy some peace.
And I can't think of anymore. I was close though. Was I'll have this list so I can have something to go on. Thanks for reading!
"Make it have soul"
I have a little saying when it comes to sexual things that revolves around "soul", and I was thinking of a better way to explain this, and I think I have an explanation.
When I refer to excitement of body and soul, it's basically things that makes the body want things and feel good (most times I'm referring to the body wanting sexual things) and things that makes the soul want things and feel good (like, for me, fashion, puns, morals, ect). I don't know of anyone where pure sexual things can excite their souls, but I'm not gonna say it's not possible, it's just not possible for me. So when I say things like to give something sexual more soul, I'm basically saying to make it be more than just sexual.
I bring this up cause of something I'm gonna post later, hopefully after this post. Anyway, thanks for reading!
When I refer to excitement of body and soul, it's basically things that makes the body want things and feel good (most times I'm referring to the body wanting sexual things) and things that makes the soul want things and feel good (like, for me, fashion, puns, morals, ect). I don't know of anyone where pure sexual things can excite their souls, but I'm not gonna say it's not possible, it's just not possible for me. So when I say things like to give something sexual more soul, I'm basically saying to make it be more than just sexual.
I bring this up cause of something I'm gonna post later, hopefully after this post. Anyway, thanks for reading!
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Succubi/Incubi in Life Wars
Alright, well I basically got done and came up with the Succubus/Incubus race and kingdom backstories 3 days before I realized what I had was final-draftish. But hey, it's good so I'll post my notes on their race first, then the kingdom.
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Race Notes:
Succubi need semen to remain healthy, and need it administered either in the mouth or vagina. (vagina bit wasn't in research, but decided to make it so)
Incubi are kinda the same where they'd need vagina sexual fluids and can get them into their bodies by consuming by mouth, or from vaginal sex where the fluids are absorbed by their penis.
In my research of Succubi, I came across this interesting line of "Religious traditions hold that repeated sexual activity with a succubus may result in deterioration of health or even death." and I'm deciding on keeping it for non succubi/incubi.
They need about 10 cubic centimeters of sexual fluids from the opposite sex a month to be healthy. They can die from poor nutrition within a week if fluid intake is low the month before, and little to none the month after.
They don't need to eat food, however eating food can help them live longer if mel nourished so they could live a little longer for a chance to get sexual fluids in the future. It could also be used as a little boost of energy, for things like getting up in the morning.
Succubi/Incubi have special eggs/sperm that usually only effects their race. It is extremely rare for a human to have an incubus's child, and for a succubus to be impregnated by a human. Other humanoid races aren't effected at all, and succubi/incubi don't go after non-humanoid races at all.
A child succubus/incubus usually "leaves the nest" by age 21 (looks 14(ratio is 3/2)) and don't need sexual fluids to survive till puberty, which is usually around this age.
They have tails, wings, and horns. They can use their magical powers to conceal their horns. They could do the same for their wings and tail, however don't need to since they can retract their wings and hide their tails in clothing most times. Most incubi don't have wings, and aren't suppose to, however some are born with a rare gene that allows them to grow wings.
The above note lead to this one later: Ages ago, the Succubi/Incubi only raped people for their sexual fluids, and only practiced consent through their own race. One day however, someone of the race got ahold of a book of magical spells, learned some of the spells to disguise themselves as different races, and figured out ways to get sex/sexual fluids that's easier and less of a hassle than rape. Because of this, they used the new techniques to seduce willing people and even used prostitution to get the nutrition they need. After having a child, they passed the spells along to their spouse and kids to help them out. Many generations later, the spells are known and used by many Succubi and Incubi, and thus the race raped way less, to about the same amount of rapes the human race does a year.
Most have high sex drives and most aren't sexually sensitive, so most don't feel much pleasure from sex, but their bodies make them crave it cause their bodies need the sexual fluids to survive.
And then there's this one where I'm not certain if I'll have it as a trait or not yet, where they're strongly resistant to STDs (when healthy?). So yeah, that one's a little iffy.
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Kingdom Notes:
Long ago was mostly solitary creatures that stayed in families till child "leaves the nest"
A succubus/incubus wanted to help race thrive, so started a group (how?)* and started to learn farming and farmed food for mel nourished succubi/incubi.
(how?)*= maybe started a service from the farming and their idea(s)/efforts inspired others to contribute.
No real "Human to Succubus" trading ever went on, so no real allies to depend on.
And the actual storyline I thought up for the kingdom:
As the Succubi Kingdom formed, the residence felt like the "need" to rape was getting thinner and thinner, to which they were thinking about setting laws against it. However that lifestyle came to an end.
A powerful sorcerer named Tirek arrived one day and made a scene in the middle of the kingdom. He shouted about how a neighboring human village investigated a matter on why several people were getting mysteriously weaker and weaker as time passed. The one the village sent out to investigate found out that everyone with such conditions were having sex with prostitutes that were succubi and incubi in disguise. Assuming they came from the Succubi kingdom that recently formed a little ways from their village, they hired Tirek to put a stop to the prostitution deception. And so, in the middle of the kingdom, Tirek Conjured up a strong magical spell that stole all the magical ability from the residence of the kingdom. He started to leave when some of the inheritance figured out what had happened, and attacked Tirek, but were no match for Tirek's magical strength. With no magical abilities to disguise themselves, the whole kingdom's "only" way to get the fluids they need to survive were to rape like in old times, and the current queen made the difficult discussion to start kidnapping people to use as the kingdoms sex slaves.
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So yeah, this will work nicely into the Succubi/Demon Clan war and how I plan on it resolving.
---------------------------------------------------------
Race Notes:
Succubi need semen to remain healthy, and need it administered either in the mouth or vagina. (vagina bit wasn't in research, but decided to make it so)
Incubi are kinda the same where they'd need vagina sexual fluids and can get them into their bodies by consuming by mouth, or from vaginal sex where the fluids are absorbed by their penis.
In my research of Succubi, I came across this interesting line of "Religious traditions hold that repeated sexual activity with a succubus may result in deterioration of health or even death." and I'm deciding on keeping it for non succubi/incubi.
They need about 10 cubic centimeters of sexual fluids from the opposite sex a month to be healthy. They can die from poor nutrition within a week if fluid intake is low the month before, and little to none the month after.
They don't need to eat food, however eating food can help them live longer if mel nourished so they could live a little longer for a chance to get sexual fluids in the future. It could also be used as a little boost of energy, for things like getting up in the morning.
Succubi/Incubi have special eggs/sperm that usually only effects their race. It is extremely rare for a human to have an incubus's child, and for a succubus to be impregnated by a human. Other humanoid races aren't effected at all, and succubi/incubi don't go after non-humanoid races at all.
A child succubus/incubus usually "leaves the nest" by age 21 (looks 14(ratio is 3/2)) and don't need sexual fluids to survive till puberty, which is usually around this age.
They have tails, wings, and horns. They can use their magical powers to conceal their horns. They could do the same for their wings and tail, however don't need to since they can retract their wings and hide their tails in clothing most times. Most incubi don't have wings, and aren't suppose to, however some are born with a rare gene that allows them to grow wings.
The above note lead to this one later: Ages ago, the Succubi/Incubi only raped people for their sexual fluids, and only practiced consent through their own race. One day however, someone of the race got ahold of a book of magical spells, learned some of the spells to disguise themselves as different races, and figured out ways to get sex/sexual fluids that's easier and less of a hassle than rape. Because of this, they used the new techniques to seduce willing people and even used prostitution to get the nutrition they need. After having a child, they passed the spells along to their spouse and kids to help them out. Many generations later, the spells are known and used by many Succubi and Incubi, and thus the race raped way less, to about the same amount of rapes the human race does a year.
Most have high sex drives and most aren't sexually sensitive, so most don't feel much pleasure from sex, but their bodies make them crave it cause their bodies need the sexual fluids to survive.
And then there's this one where I'm not certain if I'll have it as a trait or not yet, where they're strongly resistant to STDs (when healthy?). So yeah, that one's a little iffy.
---------------------------------------------------
Kingdom Notes:
Long ago was mostly solitary creatures that stayed in families till child "leaves the nest"
A succubus/incubus wanted to help race thrive, so started a group (how?)* and started to learn farming and farmed food for mel nourished succubi/incubi.
(how?)*= maybe started a service from the farming and their idea(s)/efforts inspired others to contribute.
No real "Human to Succubus" trading ever went on, so no real allies to depend on.
And the actual storyline I thought up for the kingdom:
As the Succubi Kingdom formed, the residence felt like the "need" to rape was getting thinner and thinner, to which they were thinking about setting laws against it. However that lifestyle came to an end.
A powerful sorcerer named Tirek arrived one day and made a scene in the middle of the kingdom. He shouted about how a neighboring human village investigated a matter on why several people were getting mysteriously weaker and weaker as time passed. The one the village sent out to investigate found out that everyone with such conditions were having sex with prostitutes that were succubi and incubi in disguise. Assuming they came from the Succubi kingdom that recently formed a little ways from their village, they hired Tirek to put a stop to the prostitution deception. And so, in the middle of the kingdom, Tirek Conjured up a strong magical spell that stole all the magical ability from the residence of the kingdom. He started to leave when some of the inheritance figured out what had happened, and attacked Tirek, but were no match for Tirek's magical strength. With no magical abilities to disguise themselves, the whole kingdom's "only" way to get the fluids they need to survive were to rape like in old times, and the current queen made the difficult discussion to start kidnapping people to use as the kingdoms sex slaves.
------------------------------------------------------
So yeah, this will work nicely into the Succubi/Demon Clan war and how I plan on it resolving.
Monday, April 6, 2015
Spoons
I don't have as many spoons as other people have. I've kinda accepted it now. Kinda. So I'm gonna have to think smarter in order to use my spoons more effectively. I'm not getting where I want at the pace I want it, so I'd have to come up with ways to use my spoons better. It's gonna be a bit tough, but worth it.
I have to develop better wits and thinking, and most likely bad habits are gonna get in the way. I have to evolve, but what methods am I to use to meet my conditions for it?
Well for one, I think I should do more thought provoking things, like puzzle games and such. And once my brain starts to fizzle out, I could take a big break till I can think again without my head exploding. Other than that though, I have no other real leads.
The iffy suggestions I have are to maybe keep more in touch with friends when I'm feeling sad or upset. Maybe be more open with my problems so people can present me with more options or better information that on my own I couldn't see or didn't have. Anyway, this is just some thoughts I've been having. Thanks for reading.
I have to develop better wits and thinking, and most likely bad habits are gonna get in the way. I have to evolve, but what methods am I to use to meet my conditions for it?
Well for one, I think I should do more thought provoking things, like puzzle games and such. And once my brain starts to fizzle out, I could take a big break till I can think again without my head exploding. Other than that though, I have no other real leads.
The iffy suggestions I have are to maybe keep more in touch with friends when I'm feeling sad or upset. Maybe be more open with my problems so people can present me with more options or better information that on my own I couldn't see or didn't have. Anyway, this is just some thoughts I've been having. Thanks for reading.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Drawing Characters With Boobs
So, I was thinking of this topic again. I first was thinking about how to get over my thing of drawing them.
Here's my thing. I can't draw boobs on characters that canonically has them cause it doesn't feel right to me. It feels personal and I feel like I have to get consent from the characters before I can draw their boobs, clothed or otherwise. It seems pretty ridiculous, but that's how I am and that's how I feel. I want to be able to draw all of a character that has boobs cause I feel like their body is a part of who they are, and all of their body should be present along with the character's awesome personality/soul/reason why I love them (smarts, smugness, ect.). I can't, however, cause fictional characters can't give consent.
So the first thing I thought of was like how the native americans hunted and did the whole "Thanks for giving your life so I can live" and such before eating. I'd basically be all "Sorry if you don't give consent, but thanks for helping me practice" and such before everytime I draw the character's breasts. I was thinking of that, but it still didn't feel right, and I just had it lingering in my head while doing other things.
Later I had a feeling that I wanted to try drawing naked boobs to try and conquer my thing, but first I made a folder and put some pics in to use for reference. Afterward, I was trying to convince myself to start drawing, but I couldn't, and since I was thinking in the back of my mind on how to draw/what to draw, an idea got into my head do to a tutorial pic I have.
The tutorial pic says something about how they use something called "The Bikini Method", were they draw a bikini as if it was strapped around the back of the neck. I was thinking about trying the method, so my thought process was the maybe I should start by drawing them in an actual bikini first, and then take it off or put more clothes on them.
However as I sat there trying to convince myself to do it, I got more nervous and sad and upset, and that started to fuel my sex drive (cause I made a bad habit long ago of coping with my problems through doing the M thing, and so when I get depressed and such, my body's starts wanting to do it, tho not in an enjoyable way for me.) But I saw what was happening and thought that I need to find a way to counter getting nervous while "trying" to draw boobs, cause I don't want to be swayed by my horniness on how I draw them and such, cause I really want the drawing to be about the character, and not solely about their boobs. So I need to break the habit somehow. (tho I need to break it in general)
I was about to be consumed by the unwanted horny feelings that only wanted sexual stuff so I'd "cope with my feelings", but then I truthfully asked myself if I needed body excitement, or soul excitement, and obviously I answered with soul. Whatever I would do at that moment, I wanted it to excite my soul and make my inside-inside feel great, which sexual things by themselves doesn't do at all. That's when it hit me.
What about the soul? I want to draw all of characters because I was attracted to their souls and such, and I want to express how I feel about these characters and everything! So how am I gonna draw them, with boobs, in a way that shows off my interpretation of their souls, or impacts someone's soul! So I came up with an idea that I like, where I draw character's topless, and have them say something inspirational. Topless in a non-sexual, casual way, hopefully that can express who they are a bit, and say something inspirational (that I'd rather not be a boring inspirational quote, something more uncommon and not often talked or thought about) to impact other people's souls and maybe even lives! I might draw them in a bikini first cause of that one technique, but still! I'd be drawing boobs for a purpose! It'd be a great starting point, and it's right up-my-ally too cause there would be nudity, but in a way that's not sexual, and the pic itself will be more than sexual, exciting the soul, making the soul feel great!
So yeah, just wanted to share my feelings and thought process about this. Thanks for reading!
Here's my thing. I can't draw boobs on characters that canonically has them cause it doesn't feel right to me. It feels personal and I feel like I have to get consent from the characters before I can draw their boobs, clothed or otherwise. It seems pretty ridiculous, but that's how I am and that's how I feel. I want to be able to draw all of a character that has boobs cause I feel like their body is a part of who they are, and all of their body should be present along with the character's awesome personality/soul/reason why I love them (smarts, smugness, ect.). I can't, however, cause fictional characters can't give consent.
So the first thing I thought of was like how the native americans hunted and did the whole "Thanks for giving your life so I can live" and such before eating. I'd basically be all "Sorry if you don't give consent, but thanks for helping me practice" and such before everytime I draw the character's breasts. I was thinking of that, but it still didn't feel right, and I just had it lingering in my head while doing other things.
Later I had a feeling that I wanted to try drawing naked boobs to try and conquer my thing, but first I made a folder and put some pics in to use for reference. Afterward, I was trying to convince myself to start drawing, but I couldn't, and since I was thinking in the back of my mind on how to draw/what to draw, an idea got into my head do to a tutorial pic I have.
The tutorial pic says something about how they use something called "The Bikini Method", were they draw a bikini as if it was strapped around the back of the neck. I was thinking about trying the method, so my thought process was the maybe I should start by drawing them in an actual bikini first, and then take it off or put more clothes on them.
However as I sat there trying to convince myself to do it, I got more nervous and sad and upset, and that started to fuel my sex drive (cause I made a bad habit long ago of coping with my problems through doing the M thing, and so when I get depressed and such, my body's starts wanting to do it, tho not in an enjoyable way for me.) But I saw what was happening and thought that I need to find a way to counter getting nervous while "trying" to draw boobs, cause I don't want to be swayed by my horniness on how I draw them and such, cause I really want the drawing to be about the character, and not solely about their boobs. So I need to break the habit somehow. (tho I need to break it in general)
I was about to be consumed by the unwanted horny feelings that only wanted sexual stuff so I'd "cope with my feelings", but then I truthfully asked myself if I needed body excitement, or soul excitement, and obviously I answered with soul. Whatever I would do at that moment, I wanted it to excite my soul and make my inside-inside feel great, which sexual things by themselves doesn't do at all. That's when it hit me.
What about the soul? I want to draw all of characters because I was attracted to their souls and such, and I want to express how I feel about these characters and everything! So how am I gonna draw them, with boobs, in a way that shows off my interpretation of their souls, or impacts someone's soul! So I came up with an idea that I like, where I draw character's topless, and have them say something inspirational. Topless in a non-sexual, casual way, hopefully that can express who they are a bit, and say something inspirational (that I'd rather not be a boring inspirational quote, something more uncommon and not often talked or thought about) to impact other people's souls and maybe even lives! I might draw them in a bikini first cause of that one technique, but still! I'd be drawing boobs for a purpose! It'd be a great starting point, and it's right up-my-ally too cause there would be nudity, but in a way that's not sexual, and the pic itself will be more than sexual, exciting the soul, making the soul feel great!
So yeah, just wanted to share my feelings and thought process about this. Thanks for reading!
Take My Pleasures Seriously
Ok so this post/thought process began with me wanting to "go out and experience the world" so to speak, though that'd be a little hard since I don't have internet to look and research things outside of my familiar zone. I felt like this at the library while on their computers.
When I got home, I took what I downloaded and integrated them onto my computer. Outside was wet, but not rainy, and I guess walking home in that contributed to my calm and refreshed, but still yearning for something, mood. Anyway after I got everything on to my computer, I remembered a pic I got from my friend Joy's picture blog, and it was a pic of a sidewalk with the message "Take your pleasure seriously" permanently in the cement like the occasional shoe-print you'd sometimes see in sidewalks. It was then I kinda figured out what I was longing for! I wanted to explore more about the things that I liked and pleases me and illuminates my soul! (which is why I felt like getting internet was more connected to the "going out and experiencing the world" feeling I was getting than the thought of going out and experiencing real life in town)
Things like fashion, puns, deep thoughts, my demons, Earth, the potential of humans, pictures, drawings, animation, video games, and even some NSFW things though I prefer them to be more than sexual. That's one of them too though! Sexual things that contain sass, humor, love, kindness, intelligence, bonding of the soul, and most importantly consent. I want to experience what the world has of these things, thinks of these things, the culture of these things, and my true feelings and thoughts about them, like why I like them and stuff. I want to explore them with an open heart and mind.
So yeah, that explains that feeling. I don't really have any ideas on how to do this without internet, but hey, that doesn't mean I can't still try! Maybe I could try to be more open about my interests on twitter? Who knows.
Anyway, thanks for reading!
When I got home, I took what I downloaded and integrated them onto my computer. Outside was wet, but not rainy, and I guess walking home in that contributed to my calm and refreshed, but still yearning for something, mood. Anyway after I got everything on to my computer, I remembered a pic I got from my friend Joy's picture blog, and it was a pic of a sidewalk with the message "Take your pleasure seriously" permanently in the cement like the occasional shoe-print you'd sometimes see in sidewalks. It was then I kinda figured out what I was longing for! I wanted to explore more about the things that I liked and pleases me and illuminates my soul! (which is why I felt like getting internet was more connected to the "going out and experiencing the world" feeling I was getting than the thought of going out and experiencing real life in town)
Things like fashion, puns, deep thoughts, my demons, Earth, the potential of humans, pictures, drawings, animation, video games, and even some NSFW things though I prefer them to be more than sexual. That's one of them too though! Sexual things that contain sass, humor, love, kindness, intelligence, bonding of the soul, and most importantly consent. I want to experience what the world has of these things, thinks of these things, the culture of these things, and my true feelings and thoughts about them, like why I like them and stuff. I want to explore them with an open heart and mind.
So yeah, that explains that feeling. I don't really have any ideas on how to do this without internet, but hey, that doesn't mean I can't still try! Maybe I could try to be more open about my interests on twitter? Who knows.
Anyway, thanks for reading!
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